I looked at my reflection and felt a happy satisfaction that stands out in my mind as unusual. I wasn’t generally a happy girl… especially when looking in the mirror.
I was nine years old and I was wearing a new outfit. A red wrap around skirt with tie-dye hearts that circled near the bottom. And a pink top that felt soft and fit just right. The clothes were hand-me-downs from my friend Gabrielle… and I loved them. She was twelve. And gorgeous and cool. She gave her parents hell. Everyone said so… and I always smiled to myself when I heard our moms talk about it. She also had the best clothes of anyone I knew… and periodically, they came my way in large hefty bags. I would spend the whole afternoon trying them on.
It was Valentine’s Day and we were going to my grandparent’s house. I didn’t like going there, but we went often. And I wasn’t given any choice in the matter. I’d accepted it as inevitable… so my happy mood stayed with me. Until we got there.
The door opened… and before I even crossed the threshold, I felt their brute child molesting hands on me. I bumped against the screen door as they pulled me in. My body felt awkward and heavy, as I wished it to turn around the other way.
Here’s our love bug! She’s our little Valentine… I heard their nasty voices say, as I fell into darkness. And that’s all I remember.
Valentine’s Day became one more thing to hate. And I never wore red and pink together, again. Until now.
A red top and a pink skirt just caught my eye in the closet… and that color combination which had always sickened me, suddenly seemed benign. Maybe even appealing. Out of curiosity, I tried them on… and as a matter of fact, I didn’t feel much of anything.
I’m forty now. And I think I can honestly say I don’t feel angry anymore. I’m finally even feeling less sad. The sadness is the hardest thing to find the end of… but they’re dead. And I am a love bug. Just not theirs.
in certain moods
she wore her personality
like a favorite old pair of boxing gloves.
she laughed and jutted her chin
when he tried to kiss her.
that’s my sexy little tough nut…
and told her she looked cute in her shorts
lying on the floor
with our faces close together
he asked me… are u a tease?
the question sent a little jolt
of electricity pulsing thru me.
no… i looked at him and smiled
he touched me, then
we kissed and fucked.
it’s been years and years…
and we’ve never stopped.
i don’t ever want to stop
for you. i’d wear a long, silk dress
just to feel the heat of your stare
i’d let that dress fall to our feet
and follow you naked. to everywhere